Antidepressant medication has enabled me to lead a ‘normal’ life. If a person has not suffered from depression, then I imagine it would be relatively difficult to understand the benefit obtained or the reliance upon medication for mental stability or mood enhancement.
My feelings upon being prescribed antidepressants were of personal failure and incompetence. Sometime later I broached this subject with my psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist is a fully qualified medical doctor who is also qualified in mental health; whereas a psychologist is a mental-health professional who is not necessarily a medical doctor.
I was comfortable with my psychiatrist’s explanation which minimised my negative attitude regarding my taking of medication. If a person suffers from diabetes or high blood pressure, for example, the risk to his health would be far too great to consider refusing appropriate medication. Likewise, depression is an illness which can require medication, along with other treatment, for the effective management of the condition.
Antidepressants, generally, work by slowing the removal of certain chemicals from the brain. These chemicals are neurotransmitters, which are needed for normal brain function and are involved in the control of mood and other responses and functions, such as eating, sleep, pain and thinking. Antidepressants help relieve the symptoms of depression by making these chemicals more available to the brain, restoring the chemical imbalance.
No one is immune from depression; it can occur in all social classes and all cultural settings.
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I was prescribed a daily 10mg dose of escitalopram oxalate (Lexapro) late in 2004, which has since been doubled. Side effects were few and temporary, but initially disturbing. Nauseousness persisted for a few days, but as I was expecting this, it presented no problem.
However, I was not warned about the likelihood of sexual dysfunction, so I was alarmed to suddenly lose the ability to reach sexual orgasm. This was a concern that prompted me to return to my doctor to discuss the problem. With experimentation and time, sexual function was restored.
A dulling of my emotions also alarmed me. I am an emotional person, and although at times I wish I was less emotional, it is part of who I am. I found I was less stirred or moved by the sadness, injustice and neglect screened nightly on news bulletins, which gave a glimpse into many and varied facets of life and death around the world. This bothered me enormously; if antidepressant medication was to reduce my empathy and dull my sensitivity, then my whole nature would be altered. This frightened me.
Again, my psychiatrist assured me this flattening of my emotions and sensitivity was a temporary settling-in of the medication. He was right; after several weeks my compassionate and responsive nature resurfaced. Antidepressants do not change a person's natural personality.
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The medication has, however, made a huge improvement to the mental instability that had previously reduced me to a fragile, apprehensive shadow of the person I thought I could be. It has almost rid me of the bouts of deep despair and despondency. With care and vigilance, I can now generally avoid slipping into frightening depressive states.
The positive impact this mental stability has made to my life is remarkable. I am becoming the strong, self-assured and self-reliant person I always knew was buried beneath the hopelessness and sadness within. I am not unflappable or unafraid, nor am I undaunted or free from doubt, but I now possess a certain control and positivity that allows me to live my life well.
I now have the ability to tackle, and even embrace, life’s challenges in a constructive manner. I might not always succeed, but I have the spirit to try. In the past, I have shrunk from most of life’s challenges and adversities.
My shame and regret regarding my avoidance of life’s ordeals is hard to shake. I should have been there for my parents when my father was operated on for bowel cancer; I should have been there for my daughter when she had 8 teeth surgically removed; I should have attended my favourite aunt’s funeral; I should have been part of my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary celebrations. But I wasn’t, by choice. I hid away, refusing to face responsibilities; too afraid to be a part of life. At the same time, I was totally mystified and mortified by my inaction and feelings of disconnection. I was a mental wreck but I wasn't aware that help was available.
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Being diagnosed and properly treated for mental illness, has finally allowed me to emerge, shining, from that long, dark period of my life.
Simple everyday life holds pleasure and adventure for me. I am able to deal with life’s little ups and downs, embark on pursuits, and engage in family activities. I can offer emotional support to those I love, and I can be myself. I like myself. It has taken a long time and a lot of work to get to this point.
My first test of life’s traumatic events since commencement of treatment for depression came with my father-in-law’s declining health and subsequent death. Not only did I face it and deal with it, but I was able to offer support to those around me. And on top of all that, I went beyond necessity to experience facets of life I had not previously considered possible of myself. If I sound proud of myself, I am. This was a huge achievement for me, and a turning point in my life, giving me the courage and confidence to take on other difficult and momentous challenges that I would have previously hidden from.
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Sometime later I presumed I was ready to cut my 20mg daily dose of antidepressant medication in half. I acted on this without seeking advice from my doctor or psychiatrist. I soon found however, that anxiety and acute disarray of my thinking procedures was a daily part of my life, so I recommenced taking the full 20mg daily dose. I will not be irresponsible with my medication again, consulting my doctor if I am considering attempting to reduce my dosage. This must be monitored by a health professional.
It has therefore been a shock to realise that I could be taking medication to control my depression for a long time yet to come. I still feel there is a stigma attached to the reliance of antidepressant medication, but perhaps this is simply self-doubt creeping in. But I am thankful this medication is available, and grateful beyond words for the quality of life it has helped to give me.
Usually, I can recognise triggers and potentially harmful situations, and act on them accordingly. At other times I need help to obtain a level head and lift me from a low period. But with medication, self-help and support from family and a couple of close friends, I am well and filled with hope.
5 comments:
Gaye, this is an extraordinary piece of writing! Oh, I wish I had your clarity and expressiveness.
You have it in a nutshell how it feels to experience the enabling effects of good medical treatment for depression.
I first required antidepressants as far back as March, 1979, when I took an overdose of Valium and vodka. After hospital emergency treatment I found my way to a good psychiatrist. It was than that I experienced the benefits of medication.
That allowed me to hold on to my responsible academic career until 1988, when, with support from that psychiatrist I left. I have been fully retired since 1994, supported by my superannuation.
I still take antidepressants, but I (mostly) enjoy life and am still happily married, neither of which would have been possible without leaving that work.
Although I am not dipolar, I still have ups and downs. At the moment I am pretty flattened, but I know it will lift.
I just wish I could express myself the way you do. At the moment I've had a major setback and can barely put words together.
But with friends and inspirations like you, I know I will cope.
It probably wont surprise you to know that I have been a depressive since my childhood. It reached the point about 10 years ago where I was totally disengaged with other people. I had children and birth-relatives. I had a job. But I was an isolate. I tried medication and I tried behaviour therapy. The thing that seems to work for me is self-talk. However, I have to catch it early before the self-talk is counter-productive. The self-talk has to be over-the-top to be effective, and for an introvert this is hard to handle.
However, I also suffer from peripheral neuropathy for which I was prescribed anti-depressants ranging from cipramil to feldene to neurontin. I did not find these effective for either the PN or the depression. I am training myself - it is a life-long project - to be self-aware and to avoid the 5pm blues. I find that exercise gives me an effective anti-depressant and a goodly time to talk myself up.
elfram and Julie, thank you for your brief accounts of experience with medication, and your general situation regarding mental health. It is interesting and enlightening to share experiences.
Regards
Gaye
Gaye,
I too am taking Lexapro, and I too decided to drop my dose from 20mg to 10mg. The reason was that I was getting extremely tired and I know that can be a side-effect. I too (no more I too's) did this without consulting my doctor. I guess I felt I am experienced enough with this medication to make this decision on my own (when I lived in the United States I was only taking 5mg but two doctors here said that was probably doing nothing).
Anyway I've been lucky and essentially my mood has not worsened on the lower dose (and I think my energy levels are better).
thanks so much for sharing your thoughts,
Neil
hello Neil,
it has also been interesting to know of your experiences with anti-depressant medication, and I'm glad to know that you have been successful in reducing your dosasge. Knowing one's self is the key.
Thank you, also, for sharing this.
Cheers
Gaye
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