#7 The isolation of mental ill-health

Mental ill-health can be a lonely and isolating condition, with this isolation driven by many and varied real or imagined issues.

The perception that my unstable state of mind was unique and indefinable was a stumbling block in the quest to integrate successfully with other people. As my undiagnosed depression worsened, isolation seemed justifiable, and luckily, I enjoyed my own company. Social situations became increasingly difficult and I avoided face-to-face conversations that involved more than mere pleasantries outside of my immediate family.

I attempted to mask my inner struggle that was, unbeknown to me, heading toward crisis point. The deep psychological loneliness that I endured was overpowering. My emotional state became so fragile and unpredictable that on some days I was unable to manage simple everyday tasks or communicate with familiar people. Hiding and compromising became my way of dealing with life.

My friendships have always been few and uncomplicated. But as my inexplicable emotional instability became unbearable, I began retreating from my usual sources of social contact avoiding companionable situations and face-to-face interaction that had become increasingly daunting.

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Occasionally a person will come into our life with the potential to make a positive difference. I was extremely depressed and bewildered at the time Bill came into my life. I recognised the potential for friendship, and reached out, albeit with hesitation and fear. Bill listened to me, talked to me, trusted me; and with the sharing of our individual stories of personal grief, depression and turmoil we found a mutual non-judgemental acceptance and understanding. Our friendship is one of equality which has been a new and humbling experience for me. Without the psychological enlightenment that I have gained from this friendship, I believe there is every possibility that I might not have gathered the courage and wisdom to seek professional medical advice regarding my deteriorating mental condition.

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Following my being diagnosed with depression I was steamrolled with a wave of mixed emotions with the realisation that my condition was not unique, and that it was a treatable medical illness.

But three years after diagnosis, and despite encouraging progress, I still find face-to-face integration with people other than my closest family, trusted friends or solitary strangers too difficult and unrewarding to be bothered with. Consequently, physical aloneness is still a way of life for me. I am aware that I can be my harshest critic, but fear of facing undue criticism or judgement has been a determining factor in accepting aloneness. I also refuse to conform to the expected norm for the sake of “fitting in” and pleasing or placating others; this common practice of deceit for social purposes or “keeping of the peace” is dishonest to oneself and to those people with whom we are associating. Although I am no longer embarrassed to admit I am suffering from depression, I am ashamed of my inaction which prolonged my condition being undiagnosed and untreated.

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The prospect of seeking and fostering friendships and relationships is still daunting. I have become comfortable with my own company and guarded against scrutiny and disappointment to the extent that I now rarely feel oppressively lonely. This comfortable solitude is worrisome as I fear there is potential for a cynical aloofness to take hold. Perhaps it already has. Although by nature I am friendly and affectionate, I do not trust others implicitly. I have been let down, abandoned and conned by females in the past which has left me with an overly cautious approach toward closeness with women. There is much adversity for me to overcome.

Ineffective communication, dishonesty and limited time create barriers throughout society and families, resulting in lasting and worthwhile relationships often being a rarity. My parents have never learned the skill of communication, and despite repeated attempts on my part to initiate a relationship with them that involves talking, I have failed to convey the importance of this; therefore, we remain strangers, and sadly we will part at the grave having missed out on the basics of parent/child familiarity.

Are people afraid of mental illness in those around them? Are they afraid of the people around them with mental illness? Is it a lack of education and awareness that prevents productive communication regarding the subject? Do friends and family deliberately avoid the subject, pretending it’s not there, or of little relevance?

Shortly after being diagnosed with depression I decided I needed a female friend in which to confide. My friend and I had already shared some of life’s ups and downs, so I took the plunge and spoke to her briefly and with respect, of my medical condition and of my psychiatric therapy and hope for the future; I did not hear from her for a full twelve months, when I visited her again. Being shunned or ignored (whether deliberate or unintentional ignorance or neglect) at a time when a person is fragile and in need of support can be devastating; it was for me, and it took me a long time before I was brave enough to mention the subject again to anyone outside of my immediate family.

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My mental fragility and instability is no longer constant, but intermittent. I have a strong urge to protect myself against life’s blows thoughtlessly or deliberately dealt out by people. I have no desire to waste any further mental exertion cultivating friendships or relationships that ultimately become laborious, fruitless exercises that leave me emotionally exhausted and feeling cheated. I have not built an impenetrable barrier shutting new or established acquaintances out of my life, but I remain cautious and unenthusiastic regarding potential friendship unless I instinctively detect sincerity and compatibility. Sadly, sincerity can be rare, even within extended families.

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My analytic manner of attempting to unravel the causes and consequences of my psychological and physical loneliness caused or exacerbated by the way in which I have handled my depressive state over an extended period of time has enabled me to understand myself, my inadequacies and my needs with some degree of clarity. Whether I have or have not assessed my situation with absolute accuracy is irrelevant; this process of self-study has significantly bettered my inner harmony through self-awareness. This is all part of the self-help process that is vital to my continued recovery.

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However, there can be a detrimental imbalance between self-protection and willingness to explore; if we fail to recognise potential relationships on the brink of them happening, or if we lack the courage and imagination to open the door and welcome a person into our life, then an opportunity for an enriching experience will pass us by.

I have recently been blessed with the opportunity to develop a friendship with a woman who came into my life by chance. At first I was cautious; afraid even. But with work from both sides, I found myself amid a wonderful and unique experience that I am sure is honest and precious. Through mutual exploring and giving, we have both found a friendship that we have been searching for for a lifetime. This is an exciting period of my life, and I feel sure this will be a lasting relationship that will provide a close friendship and open communication, in a world where judgemental attitudes and non-communication has seen me isolated.

I have taken hold of the opportunity for true female friendship with both hands and my heart and soul. So has she. Life has never been more complete for me. Courage, and a sense of adventure have won against an adversity and intimidation that has lingered in my life for a long time.