#3 Spiritual comfort

Approaching Christmas, I wish to explore and put into words, a few related issues.

Here I explore my quest for spiritual comfort; a spirituality that is so often questioned or challenged by society and its expectations and prejudices, particularly at this time of year. I have no wish to offend others with this potentially sensitive subject, so I would suggest that those who are annoyed or offended by other people's views on religion or spirituality might prefer to skip this entry.

My journey delving into the meanings and reasons for varying forms of structured religion was a learning experience that left me disillusioned and bewildered, along with harbouring a lingering anger that surfaces periodically, especially at times of world unrest and human infustices that are religion-fuelled.

My search for spiritual meaning and comfort has ultimately led me to embrace a deeper understanding and more meaningful relationship with nature and the Earth.

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During times of anguish and disillusionment, especially as my undiagnosed depression worsened, I seriously contemplated turning to religion in an attempt to uncover the secret path to spiritual direction and inner peace.

The constant conflict between my head and my heart, along with my total lack of purpose and connection to life, denied me even fleeting moments of inner awareness and calm. What if Jesus really was the answer?

For many years, my fear of the unknown, and my lack of self-confidence overpowered my curiosity and sense of discovery. But as I came to grips with the cause and effect of my depression, the combined intellectual enlightenment and healing that came with psychotherapy, medication, self-help and family support, shed light and hope on many aspects of my life. My desire to learn and partake more broardly and more intensely of life surfaced with the emergence of newfound self-confidence.

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Religion mystifies and intrigues me. As a child, I was enrolled in correspondence Sunday School. I commend my mother for attempting to instil the basics of Christian beliefs into me and my siblings, but upon reflection, the inadequacy of the lessons rendered the project meaningless to me.

Throughout my school life, academic excellence was important to me as it gave me a sense of achievement and worth. I was a social misfit during my school years, especially as a teenager. I immersed myself in learning, studying, and the art of bookwork presentation. Even as a primary school youngster, high standard presentation of my work and a high grade in examinations was a personal priority. This was not enforced at home.

My attention to presentation detail is all I can recall regarding my involvement in Mail Bag Sunday School lessons. My mother walked her five children a couple of kilometres to church early on Christmas mornings. My father did not accompany us, nor did he drive us. The one annual visit to church was a nuisance; although, later in life, I occasionally wished I had made more of the enforced opportunity.

Scripture classes at school consisted of a large, unruly group of children and a religious minister making an unsuccessful attempt to control students and talk about God.

At about eleven years of age, I attended confirmation classes with my sister, and was confirmed in the Anglican Church. I really didn't understand the significance of the undertaking. I was married in the same country church at a naive 19 years of age, and had both my babies baptised there. That was the extent of my religious instruction and involvement throughout my life.

In recent years, guilt for failing to provide my own children with worthwhile religious instruction has been a personal issue I've had to deal with. After approaching the subject with my son and daughter, they assure me they have not suffered as a result. A childhood devoid of structured religion allows the developing adult to explore religion without bias or perceived parental or community judgement clouding the journey.

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As an adult, I wondered what religion was all about. If Adam and Eve really had existed, and if Noah really had taken animals two by two onto a timber Arc to survive the forty-day flood, where does that leave the theory of evolution? Are the priests right, or are the scientists right? Someone must be spinning a fanciful yarn, duping millions of people. I'm a reasonably logical person, and the theory of evolution sounds more feasible than the story of God's creation.

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I did some in depth reading, and asked many questions of devout Christians, via the internet. I did a lot of thinking, and then I went to church, listening to every word and taking notice of every procedure.

"Ask the Lord thy God for forgiveness of your sins, and you shall be forgiven." What sort of preposterous excuse for personal responsibility and escape from reality was this Catholic priest consenting to? And later: "There is no room for pleasures of the flesh". Well, I'm sorry, but I hope there will always be room for "pleasures of the flesh" in my life, and I do not intend to have guilt projected onto me regarding normal healthy human instincts in a morally right situation.

Here was a congregation of men, women and children of all ages seemingly blindly feeding on the Scriptures. Do these people have questions? Doubts? Whether or not religious faith is indeed "blind following", I will never know. I have countless questions that do not appear to have answers.

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My daughter's six-year-old child came home from school recently recounting the traditional Christmas story of the birth of Jesus.

This was a difficult time for mother and child: the young child unreservedly believes all her teacher tells her, and without damaging that teacher/child trust, her mother had to tactfully, but simply, explain that she, herself, did not believe these religious stories; that it was ok for different people to believe different things; that there were different religions around the world as well as in our own town, where different people believed in different Gods and different stories; that nobody was "wrong" for believing, or not believing, in a particular God or religious story; that religion was a personal thing and that as a person grows older, he or she might ask questions and might decide to believe something entirely different than they did when they were young, or they might not.

I'm proud of my daughter. She is a responsible parent.

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Now, the Pagan history, I can relate to: a reliance of the coming and going of the seasons. Pagans are strongly rooted in the Earth and its rhythms; they celebrate and give thanks accordingly.

Well before the "birth of Christ", European Pagans were celebrating the spring equinox every March, praising the Pagan goddess of dawn, fertility and new beginnings for the return of spring and the growing season. This became the Christian celebration of Christ's rebirth. Celebrating the beginning of spring may be among the oldest holidays in human culture. The rabbit and the egg were Pagan symbols of fertility and of growing new life. These items have been adopted into western Christians' Easter celebrations, just as the name "Easter" originates from the name of a Pagan god.

Winter Solstice celebrations were also common in the Pagan, pre-Christian world. It was the balance point with the lowest ebb of sunlight, but with promise of lengthening days.

"Christmas" was not heard of until the third century. Long before this, a festival was celebrated among the Pagans around the 24th December in honour of the birth of the son of the Babylonian "queen of heaven". This Pagan festival commemorated the figurative birthday and the renewal of the course of the sun.

December 25 was the day dedicated to the Chief god, Saturn, during which time there was much drinking, many banquets, and gifts were exchanged.

The Yule colours of red and green; mistletoe; the omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent nature of "Santa Claus"; his (eight) reindeer; and the "Christmas" wreath; all have Pagan origins.

As I understand it, Christians adopted Pagan holidays, celebrations and symbols from about the fourth century A.D., weaving their stories of Christ into the time slots. Why is this history not of significance to Christians? And why are these religious accounts not mentioned alongside traditional Christian teachings in schools? Why is a broader picture not presented to our children?

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Presently, I am casually exploring Buddhism. My understanding is that Buddhism is not a religion, but a belief system which is tolerant of all other beliefs or religions. As I understand it, Buddhists do not pray, they meditate; Buddhdists are not deluded by the notion of an all-powerful God. In Buddhism, each person decides for themselves and takes responsibility for their own actions and understanding.

Through Buddhism, there is a searching for an accurate awareness of the natural world, and all things that arise relate to all other things.

Karma is ingrained into Buddhism. "Karma" states that every cause has an effect, i.e., our actions have results. To test the karmic results of our actions, a Buddhist would look at (1) the intention behind the action, (2) effects of the action on oneself, and (3) the effects on others.

These are simply some of the basic principles of a meaningful and responsible way of life. To me, these Buddhist principles do not need a name.

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Christmas, just like all-things-religion, is different things to different people, and that's fine with me.

Unfortunately, Christmas is a time of confusion and unrest for me, and I often end up low in spirit.

The rampant commercialism of Christmas in the developed world has taken over any underlying religious or cultural celebrations. This is sad, regardless of what Christmas means to each individual.

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But back to my journey towards discovering some level of spiritual peace; I eventually realised that religion would play no part in attaining inner harmony. I would not find it in a church, or in a God, or in prayer.

The Australian Aboriginals' sacred connection to the land, and the "spirit" of a place, makes more sense to me than beliefs and teachings of any structured religion. Pagan roots that recognise the need to honour and celebrate that they are a part of nature, seem closely aligned to some of the beliefs of indigenous Australians. I can relate to these spiritual beliefs and their significance with a connection to Nature.

I have not deliberately sought to focus on a personal connection to nature and the land; it has been a natural progression, slow to take seed, but with a gradual quickening and strengthening that now sees me dependent upon an honest interaction with nature.

This involvement in nature is not a following of any individual or group; nor is it a belief or dependency on any divine being. It is also not a fanciful notion that some component of nature will recognise me or my commitment and offer me love and acceptance.

To wander into the forest, or to stand in the desert or sit in a stream and absorb and feel life that is removed from man-made environments, one can truly connect with one's soul; I have found spiritual peace and comfort.